Please RSVP by October 1

In case you haven't noticed, that's tomorrow. So now, all 115 of you haven't done so, don't get to go anymore. I mean seriously, why is that so difficult? We can't do ANYTHING until we have a final guest count. I can't tell the caterer how much food to make, I can't tell the coordinator how many chairs to set up. I can't do it unless you freaking RSVP.

Work today was so awful. They want me to train in the salon for the two weeks before I leave. That's an extra 15 hours on top of the 15 I already get in Pet Care. So what does that mean? That I'm supposed to work 30 hours a week, force everyone to RSVP who won't, and send all the right forms to everyone? Yeah right.

Plus, I'm literally failing my online classes that I took to be able to continue as a student at LB and get financial aid. And that kind of backfires if I fail and go on probation.

Speaking of, I have college apps to fill out this fall, at the exact time I get married! WOOH.

Basically I'm fed up. My bridal shower was freaking awesome yesterday, and I loved it so much. It was so nice, and my future Mother-in-Law's card made me tear up. So did my Mom's gift. Go figure. But aside from all that awesomeness that happened, I now have giant boxes in my already tiny and cluttered room. And Max had to leave for school before the shower was over, so now I have to haul them all to Riverside myself.

And I looked up marriage license info last night. The best news! Almost 100 dollars, and we have to be together Mon-Fri, when Max has school, and whines mercilessly about coming out to Simi!

Oh, but positively, we talked to the Bishop who gave us the low-down on how the ceremony will go. It's really simple and beautiful, except we don't know whether to call Max Max or Jeremy still. We got the okay to write vows, but now I have to write vows. And still no word as to whether all my bridesmaids dresses actually fit, or if they just think that they do when they really don't.

IT'S ALL THE BEST.

Terrible day #1

Today, I had my first binge eating/ freaking out/ feeling like a load of garbage all day, day. I woke up for work at 6:30am. I spent the entire time getting ready, and driving to work, to try and convince myself to call out. But I had a performance review scheduled. I worked my butt off and actually did everything by the book, except some smaller things like checking the bearded dragon in the iso room... It's not that I didn't have time, I just thought that one was dead and really didn't feel like dealing with it.

So my shift ends, and of course my replacement is the one girl I'd rather have nothing to do with for reasons I won't get into now. So I tell her what didn't get done, and say that I'll be back at 11:30 to finish up.

Review time was pretty bad. I scored "average" and "below average" on everything. Not one category did I get an "above average". I'm not used to stuff like that. I'm used to being the "exceptional" "straight A" "dang you rock" girl. Unfortunately, the requirements to get an "above average" are "doing above what's required each and every day". So basically, you screw up one day and there goes that score. It was a 90 day review. So those times two months in when I still wasn't trained for various things? Lowered score for "follows directions". Those times I was scheduled at 6:15am after my Father died, when I already have major clinical depression? Yeah, dragging myself out of bed to show up at 6:30 (which was a miracle) caused me to get a big old "below average" in showing up on time. The most frustrating part is that this is the hardest that I've ever worked at a job in my life. I told her that I never get CARE card from anyone other than Ashlie, and was actually on the edge of tears saying that it seemed from everything that I was doing terribly. She said no, but what a crappy hour of time.

So after that, I get to go back and tell girl that "Oh sorry, that took forever, so you have to do everything now." Awesome.

I finally went home, told my Mom, did chores, tried to eat a sandwich in the car and spilled peanut butter everywhere, and went to see Max. I was so exhausted and finally convinced him to take a nap with me. A 3 hour nap. Another day wasted. We got up, I went to the store to get brownie mix for my bridal shower tomorrow, the guy in Ralphs suspiciously questioned me as to whether I had paid for the empty brownie box I brought in to know what kind to get, and I went back.

I'd been waiting all day to try and find pumpkin things with Max, so we went to Trader Joe's and got pumpkin mix, then went to McDonalds and got in a fight because I didn't want him to eat 20 chicken nuggets, and the fighting while the guy joked about "I gave you a second, what do you want" made me more uncomfortable than I've ever been in a drive through. And I felt so bad for Max getting mad that I went in and bought him the nuggets on top of our food we had already gotten, and two sundaes because I'm on my period and I wanted to eat everything.

Fast forward to now, I feel horrible. I tried to throw up and couldn't, have been crying on and off all night, have a massive headache, feel fat and disgusting, and Max and I have been fighting all night. Max hates Simi, and I hate Riverside, and I'm actually terrified of moving there. Then I had a massive emotional attack about my Dad, and leaving my Mom (see previous post), and Max just doesn't get it. "You have to leave sometime." At one point he said I should just call off the wedding, because I called him boring because he just wants to watch anime shows all night. I hate anime (except Pokemon).

Tomorrow we're talking to the Bishop about the ceremony, and I have my bridal shower. But once again Max will leave, and we wasted the day that we had together sleeping or fighting. And a big part of why we fight is because always having him leave makes me incredibly anxious and on edge, and then I get mad at him easier. Maybe it's some subconscious way to make it easier for me when he leaves. We looked over the catering menu and made some choices about food. I still have no idea how to pay for everything,

And my lovely 4 days off next week from work turned into 2 because I stupidly mentioned about training to be a bather. So I've effectively set myself up to fail my classes, continue to be "below average" at my job, make my husband hate me, and screw up every opportunity for happiness that I have.

Needless to say, it's been a pretty bad day.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't get married now. And not because I'm not ready, and not because it isn't what I want more than anything in the world. I just don't know how to leave my Mom behind. I'm all that she has. And it makes me so angry.

Happy family, happy marriage, happy children. The Mom is usually sad when a kid leaves, but she has more, and her husband. My Dad's dead, and my Mom divorced him anyway. I'm her only child. I feel so selfish for not wanting to be sympathetic and take care of her more. But all my life I've grown up the only child to sick parents. Parents always too sick and hurt to do anything. Trips to the hospital, drug induced hallucinations. I stopped being a kid at 10. And my whole life has been trying to escape that world. Leaving my Mom to deal with it all for me, and she did. And I ran off and did things to escape that were wonderful in the moment, and then have ended up being a source of pain for 9 years. I've been ruined my whole life.

I used to think that I didn't have trials. Well God sure hit me hard now. The second I forgive my Dad for everything he did, he dies. I've never had a relationship with him. I was so hopeful for one starting now. But at the same time, I could never imagine him alone. Me being in Riverside, him alone in his apartment trying to keep himself alive on frozen tv dinners. There's one trait of human suffering that I can't stand, and that's loneliness. And I didn't know how to reach him to fix it. I wanted to so badly, and I didn't know what to do or say. And now the same thing is happening with my Mom. And not only is she lonely, she's too depressed to get out of bed. She's been trying to solve matters with my Dad's estate for almost 3 months. Everything is taking forever, and everything's more and more of a problem. And meanwhile while her only child is getting married, she's in the worst place that she's ever been.

So now I feel so unimaginably guilty, for depriving her of the mother of the bride experience because of everything she has to do with her ex-husbands estate. And then after all the planning? I just leave her alone in another town. I feel like I shouldn't leave. I feel like I need to stay and take care of her. Like I'm using marriage as an excuse to get away because I really don't want to deal with her pain. But why do I have to be a parent to my parents? I'm tired of having to be an age anything older than 21. But that's what I was given. I really only have 2 people in my life, and I know 1 can do okay without me for a little while. So what do I do?

39 days

I'm so excited for this wedding. Everything is going so perfectly. My bridesmaids are taking care of their dresses, and fitting, everyone is RSVP-ing including people I didn't think would be able to make it. It looks like all of our friends and loved ones will be there with us for the whole day. I couldn't feel more blessed. Everything is coming along perfectly, and my bridal shower is this weekend.

The best. <3

39 days of hummus

I made homemade hummus today! (This isn't only a wedding planning blog, I'm in prep to be a wife!)

I kind of followed a recipe, but there wasn't really an exact amount of anything. I just added spices into the food processor until it tasted okay! Here's the ingredients used though!

1 can garbanzo beans
Lots of olive oil (use until the hummus is smooth!)
1 clove garlic (it was actually very garlicky- unless you love garlic, I might use less)
Cumin
Salt
Paprika
Crushed Red Pepper
Sesame Seeds
Lemon Juice (I used a tad too much)

Just combine certain parts until you get the flavor you like! I chilled mine right after mixing it up, I don't like warm hummus too much.

And tah-dah!

I talked to Max about the florist costs, and mentioned the traditional action of the groom's side paying for the bridal bouquet and bridesmaids bouquets as a present to the bride on the wedding day. He didn't really say yes or no to his family paying for it, just that he understood. If anything, he'll just end up paying that part, which really doesn't make a difference, because all of our combined money is going into the wedding anyway, so who cares who actually pays for what. But I called the florist and told her that the split cost was fine, and she said that as soon as I sent her the save the date deposit she would get working on things. When I had the consultation we went over how I actually wanted everything. Here's some pictures that we based the final ideas off of. 

Boutonnieres will have lavender and green wheat, with twine tied bottoms. The only one with the small white flowers will be the groom.

And my bouquet! It follows this pattern, with lavender, greenery like eucalyptus, larger white flowers, and pink roses. The bridesmaids will have the same style, without the lavender since their dresses are lavender. And the maid of honor will have a tiny bit of lavender to showcase her.

I also bought my maids their gifts today. I'll show them when they come in!

Meeting with my florist.

Uh. Well.
It's always nice when you ask someone for a budget, and they won't give you one, so you make one up and it's laughed at. I don't know ANYTHING ABOUT FLOWERS.

Everything is freaking gorgeous, definitely, but it doesn't matter if I can't pay for them.

Agh.

Yes!

I decided on what to make my groom to give him on the wedding day. I'm so stoked. I hope it works out how I intend it to :)

I wish I could tell you, but I don't know if he ever reads this blog! :p

Overview post!

Here, it's late I know. But I'm doing my best. Got some music on, and a couple hours before Max comes home. I have to be really careful how I sit when I type though, because my neck got incredibly screwed up yesterday.

First things first, we were engaged on June 23, 2013. I'll post some more pictures. :)

:D

Our colors were finalized on July 5, 2013. Lavender, sage green, and dark grey. Earthy themes with herbs and lavender.

 We confirmed our cake baker on the 7th, a family friend of mine named Carrie Jacobsen. Haven't decided on the flavor yet :p

I booked Unlost Photography for our engagement session to take place on July 26, 2013, I'm not sure when we decided to use her officially for the actual wedding day, but it was sometime closer to the engagement session date, because I signed the contract when we took our photos.

I set up a bunch of touring dates for venues, all to take place on Saturday, July 13, 2013, only a few days after my Dad had passed away. I actually set a few up while I was in Riverside with Max that week trying not to think about anything. We were set to tour Rancho de las Palmas, Eden Gardens, Mira del Sol (a small church venue), and Sterling Hills Golf Club. Well actually, Eden Gardens conflicted with Sterling Hills so I cancelled that one. I think there was 3 set up the day of, all in Moorpark.

We went to Rancho first and booked it because everyone loved it. So venue booked July 13, 2013. We didn't even go to the other appointments. I think I tried to Mira de Sol? and got the answering machine, the other one we just didn't show up to. We made our Save the Dates after booking the venue. We originally planned on sending them out as mail cards, but that ended up being really expensive and frustrating, so we just put it on our wedding Facebook page and called it good. It's pretty cute though.

Wooh! And the gif worked :p

I guess I'll include cute things that I've bought, by date of when I received them in the mail. I ordered my cake topper from Etsy, and got it on July 20. It's amazing. Don't tell me it isn't.

Gonna skip a little bit, and write about August events! Well, the ones I have pictures for ;)

I ordered my dress on August 4th. It was supposed to take awhile to get here, but I got it on the 17th! Super exciting. I ordered it from VADress.com with custom measurements, and it fit perfectly. I'm not a huge fan of the silver sequins on the belt, but my Mom can fix them. :) The lace overlay is gorgeous.

I got this lovely sign from an Etsy seller. There's a matching "Mr." as well, they go on the backs of the chairs at the reception. Can also be used as home decor for the bedroom or something. The sage green is a little off, but I love the sign. Came in on August 20th.

I made this little creation from some inspiration on Pinterest. I'm a huge perfectionist, so the numbers being different sizes bothers me. Also, our phrase is "Forever and Always". How big of a brain fart did I have? Sheesh. Our wedding invitations even say the right phrase. I derped. Made this on August 23rd.

Wedding shoes! Ordered from Ebay. Came in the mail on August 26th. I LOVE THEM. I never wanted to wear heels. I can't stand heels. Even though my 5'2" body could benefit from heels, I'm a flats girl. And the lace. They match the bridesmaids dresses!

SPEAKING OF! The bridesmaid dress decision was awful. My bridesmaids are all pretty different in styles, and I hate making decisions for myself, let alone other people, and with something that they have to pay for. Yuck. I finally decided on a dress from Etsy, and ordered a sample for myself. I ordered the dress from Riverside, on August 16th. I tried it on when I looked nasty, so I won't post the pictures. But Shawna tried the one on that I ordered, and she looked super cute.

I ordered my Mom her present recently (from Etsy like everything else) and got it in on August 16th. It's a necklace. A bird carrying another bird. I think you can guess the meaning.

50 days

Oh my goodness. 50 days. It was 100 not that long ago. 100 days seems so much longer than 50 :) And silly Max originally wanted to wait until next year to get married. Psh. We can't even wait 50 more days. 

On the other hand, there's still a lot to do. Let's see...

• Talk to florist (I had to reschedule earlier)
• Make the guest book (Still waiting for the photo CD from the engagement session!)
• Confirm the cake (spice cake with cream cheese!)
• Confirm the harpist and music selections
• Confirm the DJ with must play list and do not play list
• Decide on the food!
• Get final headcount
• Fix my dress
• Make sure the wedding party has their outfits!
• Buy presents for everyone
• Attend my bridal shower
• Attend my bachelorette party
• Have the groom get his suit
• Make all the table decor
• Make wedding programs and I-Spy list
• Confirm videographer
• Write vows
• Book wedding night hotel and honeymoon weekend
• Get something old, new, borrowed, and blue 
• Make wedding day schedule

And there's probably more that I forgot about.
Agghhh.

Regarding temple marriage and such

I think the thing that bothers me the most in the LDS religion is how in England it is legally required for couples to be married civilly before going to the temple to be sealed. Marriages have to be performed in public. And after they're married, they can go be sealed literally right after their civil ceremony.

How many families have hated the church and their new child-in-law because they couldn’t see their child married because they chose to be married in the temple. Because that’s what we’re told to do, at least here in California. And I used to just accept that as being a reasonable sacrifice to make if you really desired a temple marriage that badly. But then finding out that the complete opposite is required by law in another country just makes me angry.

There’s such a huge stigma here (in Southern California) about not getting married in the temple. Basically, if you aren’t then everyone sits around and thinks about what you could have done to disqualify yourself.

Why are marriage and taking out your endowments considered to be one and the same? Marriage is marriage. You are married because you love your partner, to make yourself a better person, to form a union, to have a family, and any other reasons people choose to get married. You attend the temple when you are spiritually prepared. Why it has become the "norm" that just because you are ready for marriage means that you are spiritually prepared to take on the covenants made in the temple, is beyond me, and something that bothers me deeply.

Take the "been-through-the-temple return-missionaries" I know who put a hollowed out dildo on the parking brake of their friends getaway car at their wedding reception. Yeah, real examples of spiritual maturity there.

I found this beautiful blog, in which most of what I feel about the subject, and everything my Mother has expressed about the heartache she has felt in being married and sealed in the temple twice, and yet has led to two failed marriages, perfectly illustrates.

First, the premise is talking about how the idea of the "temple marriage being the only marriage" came about. And it makes perfect sense. In the "sexual revolution" of the 60's and 70's, the church needed to find a way to counsel it's youth about how to combat the new temptations of the day. This eventually created the idea of "Keep yourself pure so that you will be worthy to take a young woman/ accompany a young man to the temple."

Here's the quote:

"This completely laudable goal of raising chaste and conscientious young men and women has, over the years, resulted in at least two unforeseen and unintended consequences.

1. Those members of the church who were married in the temple could hardly help passing silent judgment on those who, for whatever reason, were not. Those who chose a church or civil marriage came to be seen as something akin to second-class members, persons who were somehow weak, or lacking in the faith.
   
   
2. The false idea was inadvertently nurtured in the imagination of many a young Mormon girl from a very early age, that if she kept herself worthy, one day an equally worthy returned missionary (the ultimate in handsome manliness) would sweep her up like prince charming and carry her to the temple which was, in her imagination, a magic fairy castle where she would be dressed as a princess and celebrated by all within on the glorious day of her wedding. And then, as a reward for a lifetime of continence, she would live the rest of her life happily ever after with all her dreams fulfilled."

1. How is that a Christ-like attitude? It's not. And yet most every single LDS member at least in my experience has some kind of judgement issues regarding one subject or another.

2. I've listened to my Mother tell me how horrible she feels, and ask herself over and over what she did wrong, because her marriages failed. I know my Mom, and the answer is nothing. She stuck things out and tried her hardest for years and years after she knew that the relationship was doomed. But because of this attitude, that living a good life means that you are automatically rewarded with your perfect Priesthood holding Prince Charming who is guaranteed to be the pinnacle of everything a good LDS man should be, people like my Mom get really hurt. And understandably so.

The point? Going to the temple to be married does not make you better than a couple who was married civilly and sealed later. This idea has only been around for 50 years or so, and even so only in certain parts of the world (refer back to what this post began with).

I couldn't be more excited for my civil wedding, which is now in 50 days! And when Max and I make it to the temple, it will be because we are prepared, not because we're afraid of being judged.

53 days- craft update

Hello! An actual update in real time. Shocking, I know. Hopefully I can keep it up as more wedding planning happens. I went to Joann's today to find some projects to work on on my day off. I ended up spending an hour in there mulling over different ideas and getting in and out of line repeatedly. Eventually I just got sage paint and a glue pen.

And I made these lovely little items which were super easy and fill me with joy. Max and I had bought these paper mache letters to paint as a date night idea a few months ago, and of course we never actually got around to it. So I used them as a wedding craft. Our colors are lavender and sage, and this sage paint is the perfect shade.

Tomorrow, I promise I will write the post with our wedding planning overview!

H.H.

Our engagement story

Sunday night, June 23rd

Max moved into a new apartment on June 20th for his senior year of college, after living in the dorms and campus run apartments for 3 years. We had talked about getting married and how if we did, I would move to Riverside with him and stay in said apartment. I helped him move everything from his old place to the new place. We finished with most everything by Sunday, with just a few odds and ends left in his old place. On Sunday evening Max told me he was going to get the rest of the stuff. He took forever to get home, and then proceeded to tell me he was making dinner, and I had to stay in the bedroom and not peek. So I stayed nicely in the bedroom, knowing what was coming, but not knowing how I would react. I was playing Candy Crush on my laptop.

"Baby, you can come out now!" I jokingly yelled "Can I finish my game first?" But Max didn't hear me (which I'm glad of). He had put a blanket over the shutter doors so I couldn't look through the cracks. So I took off the blankets and opened the doors.

Leading from the doors to Max was a trail of rose petals which went through to the living room to the dining room area where Max was standing. He had put on a sweater and black blazer and was standing next to our dining room table, which had candles lit in candle holders, a bouquet in the middle, and dinner set up.

I just cried the whole time.

I walked to him and he told me this wonderful and adorably rehearsed speech about our lives, and how we were able to still have fun even when doing something hard like moving everything into a new place. He said that we had already taken one step in our lives by getting an apartment together, and he wanted to start another journey which began with the question "Will you marry me?"

Like I said, I just cried. I didn't even know if I had said "Yes" or just made a sound.

He put on my ring, and the wedding band that went with it, because he wanted to see how it looked. The little sass remembered that I had said I wanted a bridal set. And then after lots of hugs and kisses, Max said to smile for the camera, which he had set up to record the whole thing. And then I got all embarrassed and went to turn it off. But he said "She said yes!" into the camera, and I started laughing. So the video ends nicely.

Oh, and the whole time "If It's the Beaches" was playing in the background. Because something about the lines "If it's the beaches sands you want then you will have them, if it's the mountains rolling rivers you will have them." and "I will rearrange my plans and change for you." kind of really mean a lot for me. I've rearranged a lot of my life to be with the man I love more than anything. And I really believe that he'd give me the mountain's rolling rivers if he could.

And then we ate dinner. I nabbed a good man. Filet mignon, biscuits, baked potatoes, and salad. The only thing he forgot was the cups for water, which he said he forgot from being nervous. I asked him why he was nervous since he knew I'd say yes, and he said he just wanted to make everything perfect and memorable and was worried about messing something up. (He didn't.)

He told me stories about ring shopping with his family, and how he knew that my ring was the ring when he saw it. And I swear, I just cried the entire time.

We tried to take some pictures, but my makeup was running down my face, and I look kind of silly. I've included the higher quality pictures on another entry, these are pictures from my phone (except the last one).

Here's my ring:

Here's the rose petal trail leading to the table:

Here's the table set up (after we had let the candles burn down). Max even put rose petals on the chairs and table around the food.

And this is what the kitchen looked like after dinner and preparing everything. Max was saying how you never see the clean-up part of the proposal in movies or anything.

And here's us! (I edited my smudged make-up out of the picture hahaha)

Holly and Max, engaged June 23, 2013

54 days

Hello :)

My name is Holly. I've been debating on writing a blog specifically about engaged/ married life for a while, and haven't done it until now. I really wanted to record the whole process of the planning, but as you can imagine, that's a little difficult to do in addition to the actual planning, which takes a lot of energy. Plus I'm currently taking online classes from CSULB and working part-time at PetSmart. Phew!

So I'll give you a little intro, a couple months into the game. My lovely fiance's name is Max. Well, his real first name is Jeremy, but I've always known him by his middle name. Actually Max isn't even his real middle name, it's a nickname for Maxwell. Sheesh. And here I am just plain old Holly. Max and I have been together since November 2, 2009, our senior year of high school. But we didn't go to the same high school, so I don't know if that makes us real high school sweethearts (what's the criteria?). Max is now a senior at UCR in Riverside, California. I am in my 4th year of school, but still stuck somewhere between a sophomore and a junior. I attended my community college while living at home for 2 years, and then transferred in Fall 2012 to CSULB in Long Beach, California, and was admitted as a sophomore into my program, because music programs are pretentious and complicated. If I would have stayed in the music program there this Fall, I'd be a junior. But guess what? Getting married and being with my love was deemed more important in my mind. Plus I had a horrible time at CSULB. I mentioned I was taking online classes through the school though, this is because I didn't want my student status taken away, and I could still reap the benefits of grants and loans while being a part-time student. I'm paying for a wedding, I need all the help I can get.

So that's a confusing bit of info, but here's something pretty concrete. We got engaged on June 23, 2013, and our wedding date is set for November 2, 2013. I have bolded those dates for your convenience, so you can say "Aww". I know, cute. Also convenient, since the wedding "off-season" starts in November, and comes with venue rentals at half-off. 

I'll probably go back and write a little about the big events that have happened in the wedding planning process, maybe a single post with a brief overview. For now, I'll include some of my engagement photos. After all, this is my engaged, and eventually married blog!

These photos are from our engagement photo session done on July 26, 2013 in Corriganville Park in Simi Valley. Credit to our photographer Daryl Schmidt, also known as Unlost Photography.

I'll make that overview post as soon as I can. I have work tonight, and a test in social psychology that I haven't really studied for at all. I can give you one pretty big decision right now in real time. My fiance and I just decided on our first dance song. "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole. We had already decided that we wanted a classic jazz song, but hadn't nailed it until about 20 minutes ago. I'm also trying to put together my definite music choices for the other important events. I'll give you those when I decide.

-H.H.