9 days

Truth blogging time. Not happy cute nice blogging.

I think I'm getting cold feet. And not because of Max. Because I love Max, I love him to death. And I want to marry him good.

But there's just this horrible feeling I have. And I think it's a combination of both of my parents. My Dad passed away 2 weeks after I got engaged. I was super impatient about Max proposing, and since he lived in Riverside, I was worried about his desire to ask my parents permission before asking me.

I told him over and over that they would understand since he's not out here often, and to have the nice father- future son talk when he was here, even if it was after we were officially engaged.

And he did that, he asked me. And I wanted to tell my Dad in person, so when he came over for dinner the day after, I was excited to show him the ring. And he sulked the whole time during dinner because Max didn't ask him first. So I realized that I had made a mistake.

Max was planning on coming to my Dad's for dinner, but he got held up at work and got home really late. I was hoping he could talk then. So we planned to meet again that Sunday, but my Dad was too sick to have us over. He was really happy that we wanted to come over though, I hope he knew that I was going to have Max talk to him.

My Dad died before we could ever talk to him. Before he could give Max the speech that I knew he wanted to give him. To tell him that he loved him and was proud of him, to give him advice on treating me good and loving me.

And I don't think I can forgive myself for that. And I think that's why the wedding approaching makes me so miserable. Because when the wedding is so far away, I guess you can try to put off the fact that your Dad won't be there. That he won't tell your new husband what he wanted to.

But now it's only a week away, and he's not coming back. 

And on top of that, I'm leaving my Mom alone. Alone in a house with no one there. With her ONE child gone, her husband gone. She's even told me how lonely she is, and I feel obligated to stay with her until she can get on her feet.

So now this joyous thing is terrifying me.

And I'm super excited to live with Max, just not in Riverside. I don't like Riverside, I don't know anyone. It's a scary environment to me, and everyone looks mean. I hate myself for this, but I love Simi. Ugh. I hope Riverside will grow on me.

10 days

I've been watching Say Yes to the Dress for a few days. It drives me nuts how petty and ridiculous girls are about their wedding dress. Psh. I ordered mine in the mail, I'll have my Mom do a few alterations, and it's perfect. It's all I want.

I also find it so ridiculous the way the Mother's interfere. I'm my Mom's only child, not even only daughter, and she's pretty much telling me to do whatever the heck I want. Which is great.

I paid my catering bill today. $9382.43. YUCK. But Max and I did it! I paid the florist and photographer last week, so all that's left is the harpist, and the baker. And we're done!

This weekend is my bachelorette party. I don't know where we're going yet. But I'm excited! Max had his last week, and he seemed to have a really good time. I haven't seen all the pictures yet though. They got strangers to give us wedding advice on a video.

Oh! Big news. I asked Kristen to be a bridesmaid last week! It was good. I asked Wednesday I believe. She accepted, no questions asked. And the dress I had for Shawna is loose on her, so we can take it in much easier than taking it out for Shawna. And I ordered Shawna a new dress, which I'm praying fits.

I started moving stuff in earlier this week to the apartment. Aww. And we carved a pumpkin. Aww.

I bought a new veil off of Etsy, I decided I wanted a longer one. Also, I bought beautiful paper garlands from Etsy. And I am now purchasing lavender paper lanterns to complete the decor.

Almost married!

23 Days

I had this mind-blowing realization a few moments ago where it dawned on me that literally everything that Max does for the next 70-80 years of my life (Yes I will be 100) will directly affect me.

And I’m an only child and don’t know how to share.

If Max wants to move to Canada and says he’s going with or without me, I’ll be in Canada.

My life is not my own anymore. And that’s terrifying in every way, and also so humbling. Because 90% of the time I’m a spoiled brat.

24 days

I got beautiful things in the mail today. Like my Maid of Honor's gift that is so much more gorgeous in person than it was online. Usually that sentence is reversed. It's a wooden engraved box, and it's so well crafted and lovely. I'm super happy about it. I also got my father-in-law's present, a bottle opener keychain that says "Thank you for raising the man of my dreams". Both gifts are Max approved.

I also got some wedding presents! A wedding photo frame and an "All About Us" book with lots of interesting questions.

I did do test runs on my centerpieces, and they're really wonderful, but I'm missing a twine bow, so I won't post pictures until they are finished.

PHEW 25 days

I compiled a shot list for the photographer yesterday using my wedding book and pinterest ideas, I just need to type it into a coherent form. I know my grandparents will give me problems about taking photos, and I'm worried about the lighting after the ceremony for doing shots with just me and Max.

I started work on Max's two projects. Worked on a list of date night ideas to go in a jar filled with popsicle sticks. They're color coded, so you know if you're picking "stay at home" "go out" "expensive and planned". I need Max's input for stuff that he wants to do. But he's always busy.

The other project is almost done, I just need to develop the photos and paste them all. Actually, not nearly done. Just the sorting is done. Luckily I got the ones I needed off the laptop before it mysteriously stopped working. Another project for Max when he has time...

I got my guest book done today! I'm really proud of it. Since I got my engagement photos in the mail today, and a convenient LivingSocial deal came up for a photo book, I assembled it today. It has 3 question pages, "Your best marriage advice:" "What should we name our children?" and "What should we do in our first year of marriage?". And then the photos either have space for writing, or there's space next to them. I'll have everyone at the rehearsal dinner sign the book first so there's examples for what to actually do.

I started working on the wedding program today, too. A lot done. We just need to format it and then head to Kinko's to get stuff printed.

Getting there! And Max's Bachelor party finally got planned. Let's hope people actually read the info...

But I kind of missed an exam, and need to withdraw from the class. Yeesh.

29 days

Yesterday I wrote a song called "30 days". I haven't had a chance to record it yet. Today I went to Planned Parenthood and got an absurd amount of birth control. I had to wait there a really long time, and was teasing Max about how it was his fault because he's so darn sexy. Haha. ;)

Otherwise though, I made amazing mini apple pies in muffin tins. I can't wait to bake for Max, and I know that he can't either. Just made from pie crust, and then mini apple slices with the usual flour, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg. Yum!

And lastly, I watched the last episode of Futurama, and I cried so hard. When I was little, eternity seemed terrifying. And now that I've lost my Dad, and I have Max, eternity doesn't seem like it can possibly be long enough.

32 days

In a little over an hour it will be exactly 1 month. So to prevent that nightmare from stressing me out even more, I will say that it is still the 1st.

Today was pretty good, but I didn't really get anything big accomplished. My grandpa said yes to the father-daughter dance, and my other grandparents and aunt called to say that they were coming, ask questions about the wedding, and generally see how I was and what I was up to. They said that Max was a really nice guy, and he was getting a nice girl, and we would make a happy family together. It was really sweet. 

I went to Victoria Secret to use my gift card, and bought a silky type robe. I have a few nightie lingerie pieces, so I wanted something like that. The girl at the register asked me all about the wedding, how long we had been together, how he proposed, wanted to see a picture of my dress, etc. She called me cute because apparently I was all giggly without realizing it. She asked if my groom was nervous, and I said that he's taking it better than me.

Because behind the giggly exterior, I am dying. I tried to sing today and literally started gagging. What's that all about? I can feel my neck muscles turning into rocks, and I have forgotten to eat for the past 2 days.

Luckily, a lot of progress is getting made. The caterer said he had a lot of info already, and really just needed the menu choices and final headcount. Max and I knocked out the menu choices pretty quickly on Saturday, so I'm just waiting on the headcount. We're slowly getting there. It's looking like the count will be about 130.

We figured out the cake situation today too, which is awesome. And what's also awesome is that our baker, florist, photographer, and harpist all know each other. Mormons, right? But it's good, because they can all coordinate. Our cake is a spice cake with cream cheese frosting/ filling. Mmmm. And she's getting the rest of the sheet cakes from Costco.

I had intended to get the mason jars for the centerpieces, and other craft supplies today to make prototypes of what the jars will look like, and I just gave up. Jo-Anns didn't have cases of jars, they just sold them individually. I did buy more wooden boxes that I'm using for my wedding party and mother's gifts. I've been trying to decide how to paint them for a long time, and last night I nailed it. It's really nice, and handmade. I bought bigger boxes for the mothers.

I just made my groom a list of tasks. I feel like it's the first time so far that I actually have to order him to do stuff. Phew!