9 days

Truth blogging time. Not happy cute nice blogging.

I think I'm getting cold feet. And not because of Max. Because I love Max, I love him to death. And I want to marry him good.

But there's just this horrible feeling I have. And I think it's a combination of both of my parents. My Dad passed away 2 weeks after I got engaged. I was super impatient about Max proposing, and since he lived in Riverside, I was worried about his desire to ask my parents permission before asking me.

I told him over and over that they would understand since he's not out here often, and to have the nice father- future son talk when he was here, even if it was after we were officially engaged.

And he did that, he asked me. And I wanted to tell my Dad in person, so when he came over for dinner the day after, I was excited to show him the ring. And he sulked the whole time during dinner because Max didn't ask him first. So I realized that I had made a mistake.

Max was planning on coming to my Dad's for dinner, but he got held up at work and got home really late. I was hoping he could talk then. So we planned to meet again that Sunday, but my Dad was too sick to have us over. He was really happy that we wanted to come over though, I hope he knew that I was going to have Max talk to him.

My Dad died before we could ever talk to him. Before he could give Max the speech that I knew he wanted to give him. To tell him that he loved him and was proud of him, to give him advice on treating me good and loving me.

And I don't think I can forgive myself for that. And I think that's why the wedding approaching makes me so miserable. Because when the wedding is so far away, I guess you can try to put off the fact that your Dad won't be there. That he won't tell your new husband what he wanted to.

But now it's only a week away, and he's not coming back. 

And on top of that, I'm leaving my Mom alone. Alone in a house with no one there. With her ONE child gone, her husband gone. She's even told me how lonely she is, and I feel obligated to stay with her until she can get on her feet.

So now this joyous thing is terrifying me.

And I'm super excited to live with Max, just not in Riverside. I don't like Riverside, I don't know anyone. It's a scary environment to me, and everyone looks mean. I hate myself for this, but I love Simi. Ugh. I hope Riverside will grow on me.