Today, I had my first binge eating/ freaking out/ feeling like a load of garbage all day, day. I woke up for work at 6:30am. I spent the entire time getting ready, and driving to work, to try and convince myself to call out. But I had a performance review scheduled. I worked my butt off and actually did everything by the book, except some smaller things like checking the bearded dragon in the iso room... It's not that I didn't have time, I just thought that one was dead and really didn't feel like dealing with it.
So my shift ends, and of course my replacement is the one girl I'd rather have nothing to do with for reasons I won't get into now. So I tell her what didn't get done, and say that I'll be back at 11:30 to finish up.
Review time was pretty bad. I scored "average" and "below average" on everything. Not one category did I get an "above average". I'm not used to stuff like that. I'm used to being the "exceptional" "straight A" "dang you rock" girl. Unfortunately, the requirements to get an "above average" are "doing above what's required each and every day". So basically, you screw up one day and there goes that score. It was a 90 day review. So those times two months in when I still wasn't trained for various things? Lowered score for "follows directions". Those times I was scheduled at 6:15am after my Father died, when I already have major clinical depression? Yeah, dragging myself out of bed to show up at 6:30 (which was a miracle) caused me to get a big old "below average" in showing up on time. The most frustrating part is that this is the hardest that I've ever worked at a job in my life. I told her that I never get CARE card from anyone other than Ashlie, and was actually on the edge of tears saying that it seemed from everything that I was doing terribly. She said no, but what a crappy hour of time.
So after that, I get to go back and tell girl that "Oh sorry, that took forever, so you have to do everything now." Awesome.
I finally went home, told my Mom, did chores, tried to eat a sandwich in the car and spilled peanut butter everywhere, and went to see Max. I was so exhausted and finally convinced him to take a nap with me. A 3 hour nap. Another day wasted. We got up, I went to the store to get brownie mix for my bridal shower tomorrow, the guy in Ralphs suspiciously questioned me as to whether I had paid for the empty brownie box I brought in to know what kind to get, and I went back.
I'd been waiting all day to try and find pumpkin things with Max, so we went to Trader Joe's and got pumpkin mix, then went to McDonalds and got in a fight because I didn't want him to eat 20 chicken nuggets, and the fighting while the guy joked about "I gave you a second, what do you want" made me more uncomfortable than I've ever been in a drive through. And I felt so bad for Max getting mad that I went in and bought him the nuggets on top of our food we had already gotten, and two sundaes because I'm on my period and I wanted to eat everything.
Fast forward to now, I feel horrible. I tried to throw up and couldn't, have been crying on and off all night, have a massive headache, feel fat and disgusting, and Max and I have been fighting all night. Max hates Simi, and I hate Riverside, and I'm actually terrified of moving there. Then I had a massive emotional attack about my Dad, and leaving my Mom (see previous post), and Max just doesn't get it. "You have to leave sometime." At one point he said I should just call off the wedding, because I called him boring because he just wants to watch anime shows all night. I hate anime (except Pokemon).
Tomorrow we're talking to the Bishop about the ceremony, and I have my bridal shower. But once again Max will leave, and we wasted the day that we had together sleeping or fighting. And a big part of why we fight is because always having him leave makes me incredibly anxious and on edge, and then I get mad at him easier. Maybe it's some subconscious way to make it easier for me when he leaves. We looked over the catering menu and made some choices about food. I still have no idea how to pay for everything,
And my lovely 4 days off next week from work turned into 2 because I stupidly mentioned about training to be a bather. So I've effectively set myself up to fail my classes, continue to be "below average" at my job, make my husband hate me, and screw up every opportunity for happiness that I have.
Needless to say, it's been a pretty bad day.
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