I read this awesome article about a pregnant Mom who really wanted a community garden plot. She really wanted to be the Mom that took her kids to the garden after school to pick veggies for dinner. And then when she finally got her plot, she was so busy with everything else and being a mom to two kids and a wife and everything else that she put off being a gardener. And it made her feel bad about herself, like because she couldn't live up to this ideal of what she wanted to do, she was inferior. And finally she realized that just because she had good intentions, having a garden plot didn't make her a good mom or a good wife, and she gave it up and was happy.
That whole long story correlates to this blog. I want so badly to write in my journal everyday. I want to write my hopes and dreams etc. And I don't. I just don't. I have pages with post-its from years ago saying "Write about this day!!!" No. Not gonna happen. Instead, I go on the computer. I do everything on the internet, and journaling has to be one of those things.
So, before I play another game of League of Legends with my husband, let me say hi. And that you'll be hearing more from me soon.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Woop! Back in Simi
Should I keep my blog better? Probably. We're back in Simi! All of the sudden our whole Riverside adventure is over. I'll admit it- I cried a little bit. Especially because we got engaged in that apartment, and now we can never go inside it again :(
But onwards and upwards! Onwards and upwards to living in one room at my in-laws house. Haha. Our cats are at my Mom's. Our stuff is literally crammed ceiling high in the other room. Guineas are stuffed in there with the stuff. It's interesting. Max is at work all day, and I go to school or my mom's house, and then come back here at night with Max.
Speaking of the job. Max finished his first week today, and so far he says it's been okay. He's annoyed that they won't let him work at his own computer yet. I get upset because he's been working 8.5 hours everyday, and he gets home at 6. And goes to bed at 11. :( I miss our all night League of Legends games, which we still play.... just for only the 5 hours instead of 10.
I'm looking for seasonal work. At this point I think I'm going to be at Moorpark again next semester doing general ed and the photo classes they offer. I'm hoping to be able to work a few months now, and then stop next semester when I'll be back to full time. I just applied for a photo assistant at the Santa mall photography thing at The Oaks mall. I would be beyond excited to work at something like that, and possibly get actual professional experience/ editing experience. I'm really praying for it honestly.
I'm at a crossroads of where I can end up. I was exploring the animal care career path for awhile, but it's narrowing down with complications. I enjoyed Petsmart, but it was more retail than anything. I HATED grooming at Petco. And there was the EATM option, but it's looking like I won't have the required classes down before I apply in the spring. And I'm not sure if I want to spend 2 years of hard core unpaid work like that, and then have my options to be limited to zoos and the like, which there aren't a lot of here. And if zoo work is my road, then EATM isn't necessarily a requirement to do so.
So, I can continue my path of music" which offers so many cons. Yes, I would finish quickly, but that doesn't mean it would be easy. I could continue my path to performance, but I will never be a performer past community theater for fun. I could do music ed- but I really honestly despise teaching people things. So I can't imagine that working. The only option would be a general degree- but what's the point? Or a music therapy degree- which I am looking into. Honestly the only reason I would continue would be so I could be a good singer again and feel like a boss. And then sit in church and have random ladies tell me to join choir. And maybe sing my kids arias or something.
And then there's the photography path. The "something I've always really loved and never explored because of music" path. And this path will actually lend to career opportunities. If I can work in a studio part time, and be a Mom and a housewife, I will be overjoyed. If I can find something that doesn't make me want to kill myself at a retail/ food/ 9-5 office job, I will be fulfilled. At this point, I'm really leaning that way, even if it means starting over with my basic art classes and junk, But to make an art portfolio actually makes me really excited.
Tomorrow we are looking at apartments. Specifically in Wood Ranch. We really like them so far, and they allow cats which is a plus so we don't have to sneak them in. We're hoping for mid October to move in and set up. So we will get the holidays in our little place together. It has super mixed reviews of being awesome and horrible- so who knows? We'll see what the verdict is tomorrow.
But onwards and upwards! Onwards and upwards to living in one room at my in-laws house. Haha. Our cats are at my Mom's. Our stuff is literally crammed ceiling high in the other room. Guineas are stuffed in there with the stuff. It's interesting. Max is at work all day, and I go to school or my mom's house, and then come back here at night with Max.
Speaking of the job. Max finished his first week today, and so far he says it's been okay. He's annoyed that they won't let him work at his own computer yet. I get upset because he's been working 8.5 hours everyday, and he gets home at 6. And goes to bed at 11. :( I miss our all night League of Legends games, which we still play.... just for only the 5 hours instead of 10.
I'm looking for seasonal work. At this point I think I'm going to be at Moorpark again next semester doing general ed and the photo classes they offer. I'm hoping to be able to work a few months now, and then stop next semester when I'll be back to full time. I just applied for a photo assistant at the Santa mall photography thing at The Oaks mall. I would be beyond excited to work at something like that, and possibly get actual professional experience/ editing experience. I'm really praying for it honestly.
I'm at a crossroads of where I can end up. I was exploring the animal care career path for awhile, but it's narrowing down with complications. I enjoyed Petsmart, but it was more retail than anything. I HATED grooming at Petco. And there was the EATM option, but it's looking like I won't have the required classes down before I apply in the spring. And I'm not sure if I want to spend 2 years of hard core unpaid work like that, and then have my options to be limited to zoos and the like, which there aren't a lot of here. And if zoo work is my road, then EATM isn't necessarily a requirement to do so.
So, I can continue my path of music" which offers so many cons. Yes, I would finish quickly, but that doesn't mean it would be easy. I could continue my path to performance, but I will never be a performer past community theater for fun. I could do music ed- but I really honestly despise teaching people things. So I can't imagine that working. The only option would be a general degree- but what's the point? Or a music therapy degree- which I am looking into. Honestly the only reason I would continue would be so I could be a good singer again and feel like a boss. And then sit in church and have random ladies tell me to join choir. And maybe sing my kids arias or something.
And then there's the photography path. The "something I've always really loved and never explored because of music" path. And this path will actually lend to career opportunities. If I can work in a studio part time, and be a Mom and a housewife, I will be overjoyed. If I can find something that doesn't make me want to kill myself at a retail/ food/ 9-5 office job, I will be fulfilled. At this point, I'm really leaning that way, even if it means starting over with my basic art classes and junk, But to make an art portfolio actually makes me really excited.
Tomorrow we are looking at apartments. Specifically in Wood Ranch. We really like them so far, and they allow cats which is a plus so we don't have to sneak them in. We're hoping for mid October to move in and set up. So we will get the holidays in our little place together. It has super mixed reviews of being awesome and horrible- so who knows? We'll see what the verdict is tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Honeymoon Phase
I read a lot of young married girl's posts about marriage, and how it was so blissful in the beginning, and slowly became hard to share and take care of each other, etc. and then the hard work begins.
And I think I'm more lucky than I realized in my relationship if that's the case. Because everyone who finds out that I've been married only 6 months says "Aw Honeymoon phase!" And I smile and say "Sure" and secretly think about how we fight all the time, and our relationship has the same dynamic between us as when we were dating/engaged and how we aren't having "crazy newlywed sex" like everyone and the media thinks we should be, and sometimes I get worried that there's something wrong.
But really, when I read how hard it is for young couples who come down from the honeymoon phase, and then realize that "Oh we don't know each other at all because we've been together 2 months" I can't help but be relieved that we never had a "honeymoon phase", because then there's nothing to fall down from. Seriously, the closest we got to one was our Senior year in high school, where I specifically remember saying "We NEVER fight! We must be perfect!" Ha.Ha.
But that's the thing about real relationships, people aren't perfect. Max and I are so different from each other. By every compatibility test there is, we are not supposed to be happy. And through 4 years of people saying "Stop giving Max chances" I always knew that it would work out. I still have dreams that I settled for some other guy, and I'm talking to my Mom and just saying "Why am I not with Max? What happened?"
I don't know if everyone has a soul mate, and if they do, I feel like most people may pass theirs up at the first sign of a fight or breakup. But if soul mates exist, and God already decided on me and Max, or maybe we decided a long time ago in the pre-existence that we would be together (I can just imagine it. "I'll find you on Earth, but I'm going to be a huge jerk for awhile" "It's ok, I will be too!) then what I do know is that soul mate does not equal "honeymoon phase". It equals "Wow you really suck right now, but I love you so much that we're going to kiss and make up and play with the kittens together in 15 minutes."
So here's to the couples that think there's something wrong, because they fought the day after the wedding, and they fought on their honeymoon, but they wouldn't change anything, because real married couples don't get along all the time, but they always make up.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
.jpg)
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Marriage Day 5
I locked my keys in the laundry room last night. It was cool. Also, the laundry was still in the dryer.
Max watched "What to Expect When You're Expecting" with me (kind of), and I found out that J-Lo's character is named Holly Castillo. Imagine that.
Max watched "What to Expect When You're Expecting" with me (kind of), and I found out that J-Lo's character is named Holly Castillo. Imagine that.
Marriage Day 4
Let me start out by saying, today was extremely successful. And I am grateful for this. Ate a waffle, Max came home from class early, went to Target, got Max a dress shirt, a hammer, a stepstool for short Holly, Mancala, a bookcase, kitchen towels, ate pasta from Target's Pizza Hut, went to PetSmart, went to a sketchy thrift store and pawn shop, put together a bookcase and a shelf thing, made beef stew, got some frozen yogurt, put away wedding gifts, used the Magic Bullet, swept and mopped, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed some stuff, did laundry, and Max started watching Bob's Burgers with me.
Actually, that's really all I want to say. I did my homework assignments, I've been cleaning all day, I'm tired. I'm done.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Day 2 of marriage.
I tried to make bacon today, and burned it. I didn't use the fan on the oven and the apt filled with smoke. I did make an egg though without breaking the yolk, but since I had cooked it in the burnt bacon grease pan, it wasn't as good as it could have been.
Jasper smells, he's ripping up his cage lining.
There is stuff everywhere, I have no desire to put any of it away. I'm really struggling with "post-wedding" blues. With wasted money, wasted time in the day, wasted opportunities for photos.
I didn't get a picture with my in-laws, or with Max's grandparents. I didn't get a picture with just the Maid of Honor and Best Man. I didn't get a picture of Lori and I kissing Max, or of us holding the Thank You sign. We used the rose petals for a photo but apparently I look weird in it.
I didn't take as many photos in the booth as I wanted. I didn't spend time with a lot of people who came or even say hello to a few because I was rushing around.
I didn't get to eat a lot of appetizers, because I couldn't chew while taking pictures. I didn't get to eat a lot of the food because I was so sick and nervous feeling.
My plan of starting photos at 2 was shot when my dress bustle had a major problem. My Mom was late bringing the dress to start taking pictures in because of the bustle, and then it ruined the dress. I yelled at my Mom. I cried in the dressing room. I wasted SO MUCH TIME.
The harpist didn't show up on time. I didn't even prepare for the ceremony because I was so upset about it. I gave my bouquet to Brittney too early and stood there awkwardly for most of the ceremony. My mind was elsewhere.
Now it's over. All that time and planning wasted. Everyone loved the wedding, but I feel so weird about it. There was a lot of good, but I could never relax and enjoy it.
Jasper smells, he's ripping up his cage lining.
There is stuff everywhere, I have no desire to put any of it away. I'm really struggling with "post-wedding" blues. With wasted money, wasted time in the day, wasted opportunities for photos.
I didn't get a picture with my in-laws, or with Max's grandparents. I didn't get a picture with just the Maid of Honor and Best Man. I didn't get a picture of Lori and I kissing Max, or of us holding the Thank You sign. We used the rose petals for a photo but apparently I look weird in it.
I didn't take as many photos in the booth as I wanted. I didn't spend time with a lot of people who came or even say hello to a few because I was rushing around.
I didn't get to eat a lot of appetizers, because I couldn't chew while taking pictures. I didn't get to eat a lot of the food because I was so sick and nervous feeling.
My plan of starting photos at 2 was shot when my dress bustle had a major problem. My Mom was late bringing the dress to start taking pictures in because of the bustle, and then it ruined the dress. I yelled at my Mom. I cried in the dressing room. I wasted SO MUCH TIME.
The harpist didn't show up on time. I didn't even prepare for the ceremony because I was so upset about it. I gave my bouquet to Brittney too early and stood there awkwardly for most of the ceremony. My mind was elsewhere.
Now it's over. All that time and planning wasted. Everyone loved the wedding, but I feel so weird about it. There was a lot of good, but I could never relax and enjoy it.
Friday, October 25, 2013
9 days
Truth blogging time. Not happy cute nice blogging.
I think I'm getting cold feet. And not because of Max. Because I love Max, I love him to death. And I want to marry him good.
But there's just this horrible feeling I have. And I think it's a combination of both of my parents. My Dad passed away 2 weeks after I got engaged. I was super impatient about Max proposing, and since he lived in Riverside, I was worried about his desire to ask my parents permission before asking me.
I told him over and over that they would understand since he's not out here often, and to have the nice father- future son talk when he was here, even if it was after we were officially engaged.
And he did that, he asked me. And I wanted to tell my Dad in person, so when he came over for dinner the day after, I was excited to show him the ring. And he sulked the whole time during dinner because Max didn't ask him first. So I realized that I had made a mistake.
Max was planning on coming to my Dad's for dinner, but he got held up at work and got home really late. I was hoping he could talk then. So we planned to meet again that Sunday, but my Dad was too sick to have us over. He was really happy that we wanted to come over though, I hope he knew that I was going to have Max talk to him.
My Dad died before we could ever talk to him. Before he could give Max the speech that I knew he wanted to give him. To tell him that he loved him and was proud of him, to give him advice on treating me good and loving me.
And I don't think I can forgive myself for that. And I think that's why the wedding approaching makes me so miserable. Because when the wedding is so far away, I guess you can try to put off the fact that your Dad won't be there. That he won't tell your new husband what he wanted to.
But now it's only a week away, and he's not coming back.
And on top of that, I'm leaving my Mom alone. Alone in a house with no one there. With her ONE child gone, her husband gone. She's even told me how lonely she is, and I feel obligated to stay with her until she can get on her feet.
So now this joyous thing is terrifying me.
And I'm super excited to live with Max, just not in Riverside. I don't like Riverside, I don't know anyone. It's a scary environment to me, and everyone looks mean. I hate myself for this, but I love Simi. Ugh. I hope Riverside will grow on me.
I think I'm getting cold feet. And not because of Max. Because I love Max, I love him to death. And I want to marry him good.
But there's just this horrible feeling I have. And I think it's a combination of both of my parents. My Dad passed away 2 weeks after I got engaged. I was super impatient about Max proposing, and since he lived in Riverside, I was worried about his desire to ask my parents permission before asking me.
I told him over and over that they would understand since he's not out here often, and to have the nice father- future son talk when he was here, even if it was after we were officially engaged.
And he did that, he asked me. And I wanted to tell my Dad in person, so when he came over for dinner the day after, I was excited to show him the ring. And he sulked the whole time during dinner because Max didn't ask him first. So I realized that I had made a mistake.
Max was planning on coming to my Dad's for dinner, but he got held up at work and got home really late. I was hoping he could talk then. So we planned to meet again that Sunday, but my Dad was too sick to have us over. He was really happy that we wanted to come over though, I hope he knew that I was going to have Max talk to him.
My Dad died before we could ever talk to him. Before he could give Max the speech that I knew he wanted to give him. To tell him that he loved him and was proud of him, to give him advice on treating me good and loving me.
And I don't think I can forgive myself for that. And I think that's why the wedding approaching makes me so miserable. Because when the wedding is so far away, I guess you can try to put off the fact that your Dad won't be there. That he won't tell your new husband what he wanted to.
But now it's only a week away, and he's not coming back.
And on top of that, I'm leaving my Mom alone. Alone in a house with no one there. With her ONE child gone, her husband gone. She's even told me how lonely she is, and I feel obligated to stay with her until she can get on her feet.
So now this joyous thing is terrifying me.
And I'm super excited to live with Max, just not in Riverside. I don't like Riverside, I don't know anyone. It's a scary environment to me, and everyone looks mean. I hate myself for this, but I love Simi. Ugh. I hope Riverside will grow on me.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
10 days
I've been watching Say Yes to the Dress for a few days. It drives me nuts how petty and ridiculous girls are about their wedding dress. Psh. I ordered mine in the mail, I'll have my Mom do a few alterations, and it's perfect. It's all I want.
I also find it so ridiculous the way the Mother's interfere. I'm my Mom's only child, not even only daughter, and she's pretty much telling me to do whatever the heck I want. Which is great.
I paid my catering bill today. $9382.43. YUCK. But Max and I did it! I paid the florist and photographer last week, so all that's left is the harpist, and the baker. And we're done!
This weekend is my bachelorette party. I don't know where we're going yet. But I'm excited! Max had his last week, and he seemed to have a really good time. I haven't seen all the pictures yet though. They got strangers to give us wedding advice on a video.
Oh! Big news. I asked Kristen to be a bridesmaid last week! It was good. I asked Wednesday I believe. She accepted, no questions asked. And the dress I had for Shawna is loose on her, so we can take it in much easier than taking it out for Shawna. And I ordered Shawna a new dress, which I'm praying fits.
I started moving stuff in earlier this week to the apartment. Aww. And we carved a pumpkin. Aww.
I bought a new veil off of Etsy, I decided I wanted a longer one. Also, I bought beautiful paper garlands from Etsy. And I am now purchasing lavender paper lanterns to complete the decor.
Almost married!
I also find it so ridiculous the way the Mother's interfere. I'm my Mom's only child, not even only daughter, and she's pretty much telling me to do whatever the heck I want. Which is great.
I paid my catering bill today. $9382.43. YUCK. But Max and I did it! I paid the florist and photographer last week, so all that's left is the harpist, and the baker. And we're done!
This weekend is my bachelorette party. I don't know where we're going yet. But I'm excited! Max had his last week, and he seemed to have a really good time. I haven't seen all the pictures yet though. They got strangers to give us wedding advice on a video.
Oh! Big news. I asked Kristen to be a bridesmaid last week! It was good. I asked Wednesday I believe. She accepted, no questions asked. And the dress I had for Shawna is loose on her, so we can take it in much easier than taking it out for Shawna. And I ordered Shawna a new dress, which I'm praying fits.
I started moving stuff in earlier this week to the apartment. Aww. And we carved a pumpkin. Aww.
I bought a new veil off of Etsy, I decided I wanted a longer one. Also, I bought beautiful paper garlands from Etsy. And I am now purchasing lavender paper lanterns to complete the decor.
Almost married!
Thursday, October 10, 2013
23 Days
I had this mind-blowing realization a few moments ago where it dawned on me that literally everything that Max does for the next 70-80 years of my life (Yes I will be 100) will directly affect me.
And I’m an only child and don’t know how to share.
If Max wants to move to Canada and says he’s going with or without me, I’ll be in Canada.
My life is not my own anymore. And that’s terrifying in every way, and also so humbling. Because 90% of the time I’m a spoiled brat.
24 days
I got beautiful things in the mail today. Like my Maid of Honor's gift that is so much more gorgeous in person than it was online. Usually that sentence is reversed. It's a wooden engraved box, and it's so well crafted and lovely. I'm super happy about it. I also got my father-in-law's present, a bottle opener keychain that says "Thank you for raising the man of my dreams". Both gifts are Max approved.
I also got some wedding presents! A wedding photo frame and an "All About Us" book with lots of interesting questions.
I did do test runs on my centerpieces, and they're really wonderful, but I'm missing a twine bow, so I won't post pictures until they are finished.
I also got some wedding presents! A wedding photo frame and an "All About Us" book with lots of interesting questions.
I did do test runs on my centerpieces, and they're really wonderful, but I'm missing a twine bow, so I won't post pictures until they are finished.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
PHEW 25 days
I compiled a shot list for the photographer yesterday using my wedding book and pinterest ideas, I just need to type it into a coherent form. I know my grandparents will give me problems about taking photos, and I'm worried about the lighting after the ceremony for doing shots with just me and Max.
I started work on Max's two projects. Worked on a list of date night ideas to go in a jar filled with popsicle sticks. They're color coded, so you know if you're picking "stay at home" "go out" "expensive and planned". I need Max's input for stuff that he wants to do. But he's always busy.
The other project is almost done, I just need to develop the photos and paste them all. Actually, not nearly done. Just the sorting is done. Luckily I got the ones I needed off the laptop before it mysteriously stopped working. Another project for Max when he has time...
I got my guest book done today! I'm really proud of it. Since I got my engagement photos in the mail today, and a convenient LivingSocial deal came up for a photo book, I assembled it today. It has 3 question pages, "Your best marriage advice:" "What should we name our children?" and "What should we do in our first year of marriage?". And then the photos either have space for writing, or there's space next to them. I'll have everyone at the rehearsal dinner sign the book first so there's examples for what to actually do.
I started working on the wedding program today, too. A lot done. We just need to format it and then head to Kinko's to get stuff printed.
Getting there! And Max's Bachelor party finally got planned. Let's hope people actually read the info...
But I kind of missed an exam, and need to withdraw from the class. Yeesh.
Friday, October 4, 2013
29 days
Yesterday I wrote a song called "30 days". I haven't had a chance to record it yet. Today I went to Planned Parenthood and got an absurd amount of birth control. I had to wait there a really long time, and was teasing Max about how it was his fault because he's so darn sexy. Haha. ;)
Otherwise though, I made amazing mini apple pies in muffin tins. I can't wait to bake for Max, and I know that he can't either. Just made from pie crust, and then mini apple slices with the usual flour, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg. Yum!
And lastly, I watched the last episode of Futurama, and I cried so hard. When I was little, eternity seemed terrifying. And now that I've lost my Dad, and I have Max, eternity doesn't seem like it can possibly be long enough.
Otherwise though, I made amazing mini apple pies in muffin tins. I can't wait to bake for Max, and I know that he can't either. Just made from pie crust, and then mini apple slices with the usual flour, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg. Yum!
And lastly, I watched the last episode of Futurama, and I cried so hard. When I was little, eternity seemed terrifying. And now that I've lost my Dad, and I have Max, eternity doesn't seem like it can possibly be long enough.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
32 days
In a little over an hour it will be exactly 1 month. So to prevent that nightmare from stressing me out even more, I will say that it is still the 1st.
Today was pretty good, but I didn't really get anything big accomplished. My grandpa said yes to the father-daughter dance, and my other grandparents and aunt called to say that they were coming, ask questions about the wedding, and generally see how I was and what I was up to. They said that Max was a really nice guy, and he was getting a nice girl, and we would make a happy family together. It was really sweet.
I went to Victoria Secret to use my gift card, and bought a silky type robe. I have a few nightie lingerie pieces, so I wanted something like that. The girl at the register asked me all about the wedding, how long we had been together, how he proposed, wanted to see a picture of my dress, etc. She called me cute because apparently I was all giggly without realizing it. She asked if my groom was nervous, and I said that he's taking it better than me.
Because behind the giggly exterior, I am dying. I tried to sing today and literally started gagging. What's that all about? I can feel my neck muscles turning into rocks, and I have forgotten to eat for the past 2 days.
Luckily, a lot of progress is getting made. The caterer said he had a lot of info already, and really just needed the menu choices and final headcount. Max and I knocked out the menu choices pretty quickly on Saturday, so I'm just waiting on the headcount. We're slowly getting there. It's looking like the count will be about 130.
We figured out the cake situation today too, which is awesome. And what's also awesome is that our baker, florist, photographer, and harpist all know each other. Mormons, right? But it's good, because they can all coordinate. Our cake is a spice cake with cream cheese frosting/ filling. Mmmm. And she's getting the rest of the sheet cakes from Costco.
I had intended to get the mason jars for the centerpieces, and other craft supplies today to make prototypes of what the jars will look like, and I just gave up. Jo-Anns didn't have cases of jars, they just sold them individually. I did buy more wooden boxes that I'm using for my wedding party and mother's gifts. I've been trying to decide how to paint them for a long time, and last night I nailed it. It's really nice, and handmade. I bought bigger boxes for the mothers.
I just made my groom a list of tasks. I feel like it's the first time so far that I actually have to order him to do stuff. Phew!
Today was pretty good, but I didn't really get anything big accomplished. My grandpa said yes to the father-daughter dance, and my other grandparents and aunt called to say that they were coming, ask questions about the wedding, and generally see how I was and what I was up to. They said that Max was a really nice guy, and he was getting a nice girl, and we would make a happy family together. It was really sweet.
I went to Victoria Secret to use my gift card, and bought a silky type robe. I have a few nightie lingerie pieces, so I wanted something like that. The girl at the register asked me all about the wedding, how long we had been together, how he proposed, wanted to see a picture of my dress, etc. She called me cute because apparently I was all giggly without realizing it. She asked if my groom was nervous, and I said that he's taking it better than me.
Because behind the giggly exterior, I am dying. I tried to sing today and literally started gagging. What's that all about? I can feel my neck muscles turning into rocks, and I have forgotten to eat for the past 2 days.
Luckily, a lot of progress is getting made. The caterer said he had a lot of info already, and really just needed the menu choices and final headcount. Max and I knocked out the menu choices pretty quickly on Saturday, so I'm just waiting on the headcount. We're slowly getting there. It's looking like the count will be about 130.
We figured out the cake situation today too, which is awesome. And what's also awesome is that our baker, florist, photographer, and harpist all know each other. Mormons, right? But it's good, because they can all coordinate. Our cake is a spice cake with cream cheese frosting/ filling. Mmmm. And she's getting the rest of the sheet cakes from Costco.
I had intended to get the mason jars for the centerpieces, and other craft supplies today to make prototypes of what the jars will look like, and I just gave up. Jo-Anns didn't have cases of jars, they just sold them individually. I did buy more wooden boxes that I'm using for my wedding party and mother's gifts. I've been trying to decide how to paint them for a long time, and last night I nailed it. It's really nice, and handmade. I bought bigger boxes for the mothers.
I just made my groom a list of tasks. I feel like it's the first time so far that I actually have to order him to do stuff. Phew!
Monday, September 30, 2013
Please RSVP by October 1
In case you haven't noticed, that's tomorrow. So now, all 115 of you haven't done so, don't get to go anymore. I mean seriously, why is that so difficult? We can't do ANYTHING until we have a final guest count. I can't tell the caterer how much food to make, I can't tell the coordinator how many chairs to set up. I can't do it unless you freaking RSVP.
Work today was so awful. They want me to train in the salon for the two weeks before I leave. That's an extra 15 hours on top of the 15 I already get in Pet Care. So what does that mean? That I'm supposed to work 30 hours a week, force everyone to RSVP who won't, and send all the right forms to everyone? Yeah right.
Plus, I'm literally failing my online classes that I took to be able to continue as a student at LB and get financial aid. And that kind of backfires if I fail and go on probation.
Speaking of, I have college apps to fill out this fall, at the exact time I get married! WOOH.
Basically I'm fed up. My bridal shower was freaking awesome yesterday, and I loved it so much. It was so nice, and my future Mother-in-Law's card made me tear up. So did my Mom's gift. Go figure. But aside from all that awesomeness that happened, I now have giant boxes in my already tiny and cluttered room. And Max had to leave for school before the shower was over, so now I have to haul them all to Riverside myself.
And I looked up marriage license info last night. The best news! Almost 100 dollars, and we have to be together Mon-Fri, when Max has school, and whines mercilessly about coming out to Simi!
Oh, but positively, we talked to the Bishop who gave us the low-down on how the ceremony will go. It's really simple and beautiful, except we don't know whether to call Max Max or Jeremy still. We got the okay to write vows, but now I have to write vows. And still no word as to whether all my bridesmaids dresses actually fit, or if they just think that they do when they really don't.
IT'S ALL THE BEST.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Terrible day #1
Today, I had my first binge eating/ freaking out/ feeling like a load of garbage all day, day. I woke up for work at 6:30am. I spent the entire time getting ready, and driving to work, to try and convince myself to call out. But I had a performance review scheduled. I worked my butt off and actually did everything by the book, except some smaller things like checking the bearded dragon in the iso room... It's not that I didn't have time, I just thought that one was dead and really didn't feel like dealing with it.
So my shift ends, and of course my replacement is the one girl I'd rather have nothing to do with for reasons I won't get into now. So I tell her what didn't get done, and say that I'll be back at 11:30 to finish up.
Review time was pretty bad. I scored "average" and "below average" on everything. Not one category did I get an "above average". I'm not used to stuff like that. I'm used to being the "exceptional" "straight A" "dang you rock" girl. Unfortunately, the requirements to get an "above average" are "doing above what's required each and every day". So basically, you screw up one day and there goes that score. It was a 90 day review. So those times two months in when I still wasn't trained for various things? Lowered score for "follows directions". Those times I was scheduled at 6:15am after my Father died, when I already have major clinical depression? Yeah, dragging myself out of bed to show up at 6:30 (which was a miracle) caused me to get a big old "below average" in showing up on time. The most frustrating part is that this is the hardest that I've ever worked at a job in my life. I told her that I never get CARE card from anyone other than Ashlie, and was actually on the edge of tears saying that it seemed from everything that I was doing terribly. She said no, but what a crappy hour of time.
So after that, I get to go back and tell girl that "Oh sorry, that took forever, so you have to do everything now." Awesome.
I finally went home, told my Mom, did chores, tried to eat a sandwich in the car and spilled peanut butter everywhere, and went to see Max. I was so exhausted and finally convinced him to take a nap with me. A 3 hour nap. Another day wasted. We got up, I went to the store to get brownie mix for my bridal shower tomorrow, the guy in Ralphs suspiciously questioned me as to whether I had paid for the empty brownie box I brought in to know what kind to get, and I went back.
I'd been waiting all day to try and find pumpkin things with Max, so we went to Trader Joe's and got pumpkin mix, then went to McDonalds and got in a fight because I didn't want him to eat 20 chicken nuggets, and the fighting while the guy joked about "I gave you a second, what do you want" made me more uncomfortable than I've ever been in a drive through. And I felt so bad for Max getting mad that I went in and bought him the nuggets on top of our food we had already gotten, and two sundaes because I'm on my period and I wanted to eat everything.
Fast forward to now, I feel horrible. I tried to throw up and couldn't, have been crying on and off all night, have a massive headache, feel fat and disgusting, and Max and I have been fighting all night. Max hates Simi, and I hate Riverside, and I'm actually terrified of moving there. Then I had a massive emotional attack about my Dad, and leaving my Mom (see previous post), and Max just doesn't get it. "You have to leave sometime." At one point he said I should just call off the wedding, because I called him boring because he just wants to watch anime shows all night. I hate anime (except Pokemon).
Tomorrow we're talking to the Bishop about the ceremony, and I have my bridal shower. But once again Max will leave, and we wasted the day that we had together sleeping or fighting. And a big part of why we fight is because always having him leave makes me incredibly anxious and on edge, and then I get mad at him easier. Maybe it's some subconscious way to make it easier for me when he leaves. We looked over the catering menu and made some choices about food. I still have no idea how to pay for everything,
And my lovely 4 days off next week from work turned into 2 because I stupidly mentioned about training to be a bather. So I've effectively set myself up to fail my classes, continue to be "below average" at my job, make my husband hate me, and screw up every opportunity for happiness that I have.
Needless to say, it's been a pretty bad day.
So my shift ends, and of course my replacement is the one girl I'd rather have nothing to do with for reasons I won't get into now. So I tell her what didn't get done, and say that I'll be back at 11:30 to finish up.
Review time was pretty bad. I scored "average" and "below average" on everything. Not one category did I get an "above average". I'm not used to stuff like that. I'm used to being the "exceptional" "straight A" "dang you rock" girl. Unfortunately, the requirements to get an "above average" are "doing above what's required each and every day". So basically, you screw up one day and there goes that score. It was a 90 day review. So those times two months in when I still wasn't trained for various things? Lowered score for "follows directions". Those times I was scheduled at 6:15am after my Father died, when I already have major clinical depression? Yeah, dragging myself out of bed to show up at 6:30 (which was a miracle) caused me to get a big old "below average" in showing up on time. The most frustrating part is that this is the hardest that I've ever worked at a job in my life. I told her that I never get CARE card from anyone other than Ashlie, and was actually on the edge of tears saying that it seemed from everything that I was doing terribly. She said no, but what a crappy hour of time.
So after that, I get to go back and tell girl that "Oh sorry, that took forever, so you have to do everything now." Awesome.
I finally went home, told my Mom, did chores, tried to eat a sandwich in the car and spilled peanut butter everywhere, and went to see Max. I was so exhausted and finally convinced him to take a nap with me. A 3 hour nap. Another day wasted. We got up, I went to the store to get brownie mix for my bridal shower tomorrow, the guy in Ralphs suspiciously questioned me as to whether I had paid for the empty brownie box I brought in to know what kind to get, and I went back.
I'd been waiting all day to try and find pumpkin things with Max, so we went to Trader Joe's and got pumpkin mix, then went to McDonalds and got in a fight because I didn't want him to eat 20 chicken nuggets, and the fighting while the guy joked about "I gave you a second, what do you want" made me more uncomfortable than I've ever been in a drive through. And I felt so bad for Max getting mad that I went in and bought him the nuggets on top of our food we had already gotten, and two sundaes because I'm on my period and I wanted to eat everything.
Fast forward to now, I feel horrible. I tried to throw up and couldn't, have been crying on and off all night, have a massive headache, feel fat and disgusting, and Max and I have been fighting all night. Max hates Simi, and I hate Riverside, and I'm actually terrified of moving there. Then I had a massive emotional attack about my Dad, and leaving my Mom (see previous post), and Max just doesn't get it. "You have to leave sometime." At one point he said I should just call off the wedding, because I called him boring because he just wants to watch anime shows all night. I hate anime (except Pokemon).
Tomorrow we're talking to the Bishop about the ceremony, and I have my bridal shower. But once again Max will leave, and we wasted the day that we had together sleeping or fighting. And a big part of why we fight is because always having him leave makes me incredibly anxious and on edge, and then I get mad at him easier. Maybe it's some subconscious way to make it easier for me when he leaves. We looked over the catering menu and made some choices about food. I still have no idea how to pay for everything,
And my lovely 4 days off next week from work turned into 2 because I stupidly mentioned about training to be a bather. So I've effectively set myself up to fail my classes, continue to be "below average" at my job, make my husband hate me, and screw up every opportunity for happiness that I have.
Needless to say, it's been a pretty bad day.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't get married now. And not because I'm not ready, and not because it isn't what I want more than anything in the world. I just don't know how to leave my Mom behind. I'm all that she has. And it makes me so angry.
Happy family, happy marriage, happy children. The Mom is usually sad when a kid leaves, but she has more, and her husband. My Dad's dead, and my Mom divorced him anyway. I'm her only child. I feel so selfish for not wanting to be sympathetic and take care of her more. But all my life I've grown up the only child to sick parents. Parents always too sick and hurt to do anything. Trips to the hospital, drug induced hallucinations. I stopped being a kid at 10. And my whole life has been trying to escape that world. Leaving my Mom to deal with it all for me, and she did. And I ran off and did things to escape that were wonderful in the moment, and then have ended up being a source of pain for 9 years. I've been ruined my whole life.
I used to think that I didn't have trials. Well God sure hit me hard now. The second I forgive my Dad for everything he did, he dies. I've never had a relationship with him. I was so hopeful for one starting now. But at the same time, I could never imagine him alone. Me being in Riverside, him alone in his apartment trying to keep himself alive on frozen tv dinners. There's one trait of human suffering that I can't stand, and that's loneliness. And I didn't know how to reach him to fix it. I wanted to so badly, and I didn't know what to do or say. And now the same thing is happening with my Mom. And not only is she lonely, she's too depressed to get out of bed. She's been trying to solve matters with my Dad's estate for almost 3 months. Everything is taking forever, and everything's more and more of a problem. And meanwhile while her only child is getting married, she's in the worst place that she's ever been.
So now I feel so unimaginably guilty, for depriving her of the mother of the bride experience because of everything she has to do with her ex-husbands estate. And then after all the planning? I just leave her alone in another town. I feel like I shouldn't leave. I feel like I need to stay and take care of her. Like I'm using marriage as an excuse to get away because I really don't want to deal with her pain. But why do I have to be a parent to my parents? I'm tired of having to be an age anything older than 21. But that's what I was given. I really only have 2 people in my life, and I know 1 can do okay without me for a little while. So what do I do?
Happy family, happy marriage, happy children. The Mom is usually sad when a kid leaves, but she has more, and her husband. My Dad's dead, and my Mom divorced him anyway. I'm her only child. I feel so selfish for not wanting to be sympathetic and take care of her more. But all my life I've grown up the only child to sick parents. Parents always too sick and hurt to do anything. Trips to the hospital, drug induced hallucinations. I stopped being a kid at 10. And my whole life has been trying to escape that world. Leaving my Mom to deal with it all for me, and she did. And I ran off and did things to escape that were wonderful in the moment, and then have ended up being a source of pain for 9 years. I've been ruined my whole life.
I used to think that I didn't have trials. Well God sure hit me hard now. The second I forgive my Dad for everything he did, he dies. I've never had a relationship with him. I was so hopeful for one starting now. But at the same time, I could never imagine him alone. Me being in Riverside, him alone in his apartment trying to keep himself alive on frozen tv dinners. There's one trait of human suffering that I can't stand, and that's loneliness. And I didn't know how to reach him to fix it. I wanted to so badly, and I didn't know what to do or say. And now the same thing is happening with my Mom. And not only is she lonely, she's too depressed to get out of bed. She's been trying to solve matters with my Dad's estate for almost 3 months. Everything is taking forever, and everything's more and more of a problem. And meanwhile while her only child is getting married, she's in the worst place that she's ever been.
So now I feel so unimaginably guilty, for depriving her of the mother of the bride experience because of everything she has to do with her ex-husbands estate. And then after all the planning? I just leave her alone in another town. I feel like I shouldn't leave. I feel like I need to stay and take care of her. Like I'm using marriage as an excuse to get away because I really don't want to deal with her pain. But why do I have to be a parent to my parents? I'm tired of having to be an age anything older than 21. But that's what I was given. I really only have 2 people in my life, and I know 1 can do okay without me for a little while. So what do I do?
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
39 days
I'm so excited for this wedding. Everything is going so perfectly. My bridesmaids are taking care of their dresses, and fitting, everyone is RSVP-ing including people I didn't think would be able to make it. It looks like all of our friends and loved ones will be there with us for the whole day. I couldn't feel more blessed. Everything is coming along perfectly, and my bridal shower is this weekend.
The best. <3
The best. <3
39 days of hummus
I made homemade hummus today! (This isn't only a wedding planning blog, I'm in prep to be a wife!)
I kind of followed a recipe, but there wasn't really an exact amount of anything. I just added spices into the food processor until it tasted okay! Here's the ingredients used though!
1 can garbanzo beans
Lots of olive oil (use until the hummus is smooth!)
1 clove garlic (it was actually very garlicky- unless you love garlic, I might use less)
Cumin
Salt
Paprika
Crushed Red Pepper
Sesame Seeds
Lemon Juice (I used a tad too much)
Just combine certain parts until you get the flavor you like! I chilled mine right after mixing it up, I don't like warm hummus too much.
And tah-dah!
I kind of followed a recipe, but there wasn't really an exact amount of anything. I just added spices into the food processor until it tasted okay! Here's the ingredients used though!
1 can garbanzo beans
Lots of olive oil (use until the hummus is smooth!)
1 clove garlic (it was actually very garlicky- unless you love garlic, I might use less)
Cumin
Salt
Paprika
Crushed Red Pepper
Sesame Seeds
Lemon Juice (I used a tad too much)
Just combine certain parts until you get the flavor you like! I chilled mine right after mixing it up, I don't like warm hummus too much.
And tah-dah!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)